HOPE

Journal Written by Leo

Yesterday, I firmly believe that my relationship with Eve took a powerful turn for the better. A deeper, stronger connection was established. Indeed it was a night to remember.

i feel as if we all have those moments - an "epiphany" - might be the most apropos way to describe it. The conversation started harmlessly, discussing our futures, what her hopes and aspirations were. Then the conversation changed lenses, and focused on our relationship, and its future prospects.

The tatonic shift occurred because of a terse and condemning statement: "our relationship will probably end in 2 or 3 years" she said. Like the iconic image of a villain flicking his cigarette butt in the air - the slow glide it takes, landing so swiftly and gently into a pool of gasoline. All it takes is a spark - and the room erupts into a blazing fire.

She said those words so definitively, it's decisive blow like the stinging blade across the condemned neck. i had an immediate escape hatch i quickly engaged - start to withdraw Leo, shed your vulnerability and quickly retreat to a state of emotional paralysis and seek refuge behind its fortified walls.

No. No. i said to myself. i had invested so much into this relationship, I told this beautiful girl all of my most precious secrets that it felt wrong to initiate my escape hatch. i didn't put my heart and cherished emotions into this, to see it all collapse under the weight of a mere statement made.

I had to investigate, I had to determine whether her statement was as conclusive as it sounded. was she really serious? had she intended all along to cease the relationship so synchronous? if she did, then I would then reassess my position, and make a decision on whether to advance further. for emptying your heart, increasing the probability of pain and suffering would become challenging to permit given you know that it'll all come to a predetermined end. an outsider might conclude that the cost - the inevitable heartbreak and despair that would ensue - wouldn't be worth it. there is some truth in this theory, why increase the probability for pain to only see its self destruction? i couldn't help but feel used - a commodity - something to give pleasure when she needed it, then discard me like a used tampon when it best suited her.

I felt as if it was only right for me to give her another chance - a chance to appeal her early remark and re-establish a commitment to not condemn the relationship. the was the only way - the only way - that i could ever stop myself from the knee-jerk reactionary safety harness i'd invoke. fortunately for me, she revised her earlier statement - indeed she retracted it, and apologised for making such a comment.

I forgive her.

I figured it'd be best to write more about that memorable night after sometime to free myself from the persistent thoughts. I now feel comfortable enough to add to my journal.

I never imagine at the ripe age of twenty-three I'd fall in love with someone, nor did I genuinely believe that would ever happen - I hoped but never expected to.

Both of us have many personal ambitions to achieve. For me, it's medical school, for her it's the peace corps and traveling during the gap year (as well as school).

I thought intently and ruminated on this on several occasions. I think it is essential that neither of us relinquish our personal goals and dreams in order to have a relationship. Yet, although these are personal ambitions, must they be achieved separately?

I'm not at all convinced that it's an either-or choice. I believe it is possible to have independent goals and achieve them, while maintaining a successful and flourishing companionship, friendship and romance.

I dread the idea that I'd have to sacrifice such a glorious and precious relationship to accomplish my personal desires for my own life. I want both, and although we would be physically separated from each other, we would be bonded emotionally and spiritually - those two I defiantly believe can withstand innumerable miles physically detached. She is my best friend I wouldn’t resent her traveling or leaving my side.

I wouldn't tell a best friend that I'm severing the friendship because I wouldn't be able to touch you. I would be thrilled to talk to her via skype, listen for hours to her stories and the adventures she was experiencing. Anxiously awaiting her return to my arms and snuggling with me in my bed.

I wouldn't at all begrudge her for traveling and experiencing the world. Everyday, I'd check the postal mail and hope to see something from her. A post card from Italy, an olive branch from Spain, a hand furnished  figurine from south Africa. Whatever she sends me, would reaffirm that she is serious about this relationship, I would not be a fading memory, but rather, a vivid and tangible lover and friend. A companion she loves and on her personal journey, she sees things that remind her of the man she adores back home.

So in a sense, we would be on this journey together. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally - which can be an equally gratifying and potent trait.

I know that she doesn't intend on leaving me, she's just writing another chapter in her lifebook. She will return in due time, will have many stories to tell.