What worries you about him and this situation?

     Written August 18, 2011  

      I’m worried that he’ll become too attached to me. I worry about triggering him into some kind of roller coaster... into a manic-depressive cycle. A persons mind is incredibly private and a place where thoughts flow freely, uncontrollably at times and usually erratically. Being in someone else’s mind would probably be very disorienting, even scary. My thoughts are often unusual or haphazard but quite different from his. For me to see inside his mind would probably be frightening... What a person says out loud is usually much less then half of what they really think. Would you really want to know the thoughts of your partner, friend, family, lover..?? No, not all the thoughts, but I’d like to know the thoughts which truly effect him, the memories that made him who he is, that are important or profound to him. His mind or brain is compromised in a sense, thoughts are uncontrollable at times, and obsession with thoughts or actions is a frequent reaction. I worry about how alarming and dark his thoughts might get. I must be strong, and I want to be strong. I believe that a person's thoughts and actions are not bad as long as they are honestly doing their best to do what is right. Thoughts don’t make you who you are and although they reflect subconscious they do not necessarily reflect your honest desires and feelings. Negative and inappropriate thoughts don't make a person negative or inappropriate. It is a human desire to have secure privacy of our thoughts. How horrible it would be to have your thoughts on constant broadcast. Yet, it seems somehow, I draw raw honesty from him. He wants to share with me as much as he can... little bits at a time (thankfully).  It is scary because I fear I may react disgusted and even if I do not, it puts him in a seriously vulnerable position. I am worried I will react wrongly, too quickly, that I may react irrationally, in a way that makes him feel wrong for something he cannot control or that he cannot change. Thoughts in his mind become obsessive and out of his control. Manic episodes, even light ones cause very irrational behavior but it is hard for a handicapped mind to stop these behaviors. If I am to be a friend first, I want to support him in feeling accepted, in feeling good about himself, and in trusting others. He can do better in the future but he cannot change what has happened in the past, punishing him for something he did in the past will not help. I need to encourage him to try and do better (not what I think is better but what he thinks is better for him). I need this too. We all need that, yet he is coming into the relationship with much more hidden, with much more to expose and therefore much more to lose. I fear that he will take up a lot of energy and will power. I fear that he might try and use his disorder to manipulate me even if it is unconscious or impulsive. I fear that my desire not to hurt him will cause me to second guess myself or negate my own needs. Yet, I feel I can overcome all this and with honest communication between the two of us we can make it work. I want this to be a healthy relationship despite its obvious obstacles.    

Tell me about your first dates and why you decided the relationship should get more serious?

written August 16, 2011

        On our first date he was very shy. I was uncertain as well, I had never been on a first date. I think you are supposed to be somewhat reserved. I think you are only supposed to show the overly flirty, normal, impressive side of yourself. You are not supposed to talk about private issues. At least thats how other people seem to act on first dates. But, Im not "other people". Of course in certain situations I put on that sort of fake persona in which I talk about pleasant things, casual things and comment appropriately on all the dull things others say. Yet, when I was with Leo I began to reveal myself very quickly, not the vulnerable, sometimes troubled me but the real, silly, unusual me. Maybe its because he seemed open, maybe because I have an innate sense to be myself around people I want to trust. Maybe Its an unconscious sort of test, can you handle me as I am?? Our first date went well... We talk so much that food was neglected. It is also quite hard to eat when one is nervous. I can’t remember what we talked about but conversation flowed effortlessly. That is a big thing for me, I want to connect with someone intellectually and the best way to experience someones judgment, intellect and opinion is through conversation. Physical connection (although very important on my list) comes second to a compatibility of mind. He must have seen some of the same willingness to listen and accept in me, because he did something very unusual. 

At the end of the night I was preoccupied by how the evening should end... how does a decent but pleased girl end a night with a boy she just met. I knew he would not kiss me of his own accord but I was sure the thought had been on his mind for the last few hours. So a few feet from my car I stopped him and pressed my lips against his. I was very shy at first, I hadn’t kissed for a long while and I was worried my mouth would forget the moves it had so skillfully mastered two years earlier. He certainly took advantage of my forwardness, kissing me back urgently. I got in my car and he didn’t give up, standing awkwardly over me with the car door open, I laughed and asked him to sit in the passengers seat. We ended up sitting there for two hours talking. This doesn’t happen often, not on the first date. He told me details of his life one would normally reserve for the fifth or sixth date. At the time I was sure he must be one of those people (like my happy-go-lucky, ADD step father) who can’t help but give their whole life story to everyone they meet even those they meet at the grocery store buying a king size bag of lemon hinted tortilla chips. It turns out he wasn’t that type, somehow my openness, my genuine attitude caused him to feel safe. Over and over as time went on he would reiterate that I made him comfortable, that without trying I pulled information out of him. Maybe some of it was my honest curiosity, I would continue to ask and listen intently to whatever he told me. That first night he confessions to me that he had bipolar disorder, that he had felt abused by his step father, that he had never had a real, healthy relationship with a women... It wasn’t what he said that made me so attracted it was the possibility for a relationship that included unqualified communication. Sure it was scary but I was also intrigued. 

Thoughts on relationships

written August 13, 2011

I think relationships are very important. In fact, the only thing beyond basic nourishment that humans have always required was relationship. Humans  cannot thrive without relationship and companionship. Relationship is also the most complicated thing in life, the most distractive and psychotic. Unhealthy relationships cause war, murder, blame, pain but I think the benefits of relationship is worth its disadvantages. Without experiencing a healthy, loving relationship most people would close down, become confused and obsessed with finding something that might resemble love, they would be emotionally immature and find it hard to see purpose in life. Nothing in this world would be possible if we people had not found purpose in creating a future for their children for their society. When it comes down we all live for each other, to make others proud, to help others, to impress others, to protect others.  

How does this relate to my relationship...? 

Well... I look at my relationships and they seem very healthy, loving and supportive. I am able to be strong and loving because I know what that looks like, and I never feared losing that. Recently a man randomly or maybe not so randomly came in to my life. Now that I look back at the first day we met, I realize that like an ice berg, we only see the very tip of a person when we first meet them, especially when they think they might have a chance at getting your number. When I saw this man walk into the room, I smiled to myself, that could possibly be the man I am looking for. I didn’t have any idea how much was under the surface at that point, all that he encompassed, all that came along with his overwhelmingly beautiful blue eyes. Most of us don’t really give it much thought but whenever we decide to date someone we are always taking on much more then we expect. For the first part of the relationship we may only be dating the surface of that person but as time passes the more of them we see. People are vast, emotionally we are in continual growth. It is as if each person is carrying around a metaphorical bag, and every person collects a new item from each experience and puts it in the bag, desires, dislikes, beliefs, doctrines, morals, fears, expectations and of course emotional and mental deficiencies are all hidden in our bags. I guess most people refer to this as a person's baggage. People often remark on a difficult person having a lot of baggage, but I think its important to realize that no matter the person, there is always baggage, unless they are unusually simple. Baggage or the things we collect do not necessarily have to be heavy or negative, in fact people can choose to pick up something positive even from painful experiences. This man with blue eyes, we can call him Leo seemed deceivingly... light. That first day I met him he smiled a lot, he laughed and confidently contributed to the group conversation. I liked his ability to debate pragmatically, he seemed smart, fair, and caring. Geeze... you really see so little at the first meeting. When it comes to meeting someone new in a casual circumstance all we really can do is judge the book's cover. It's really a miracle that people find true love at all, when most of us choose our mates based on circumstance, fame, financial position or at the very least; first impression/attractiveness. So how do people ever end up with intimate, deep and truly compatible relationships, when compatibility has nothing to do with any of those things? Much of life seems way to... coincidental. Leo asked me out for dinner, as I’d hoped he would. It was really the first time I’d ever been asked to dinner and actually wanted to say yes. I must have wanted him to be somewhat prepared for what was within the pages of my book so I looked at him and I said, “yes, I'll go to dinner with you, but I must warn you I am a very strange person.” At that point I had absolutely no idea just how strange this person standing in front of me was. He did not give me any clues as to how atypical his past was. After two years of not dating anyone I choose a man struggling with bipolar, anxiety, and ADHD. Albeit, I chose based on first impressions yet God only knows why that happened. Even so, The fact that I find myself loving him, loving being with him, touching him, listening to him, learning who he is, has me trusting the universe. If there is a God I have no doubt that he would be laughing and enjoying our ridiculous endeavors struggling through life but he seems to also offer a positive outcome for every unusual and unfortunate turn of events.  Most of the time we don’t know what our life would look like if a certain situation had or hadn’t happened. Leo needs someone who knows what a real relationship looks like, knows what it meant to love. Leo needs someone who could be strong and very open. I need someone who will see my value, trust me, who will be vulnerable with me and not be threatened by me taking a strong roll in the relationship.