written August 16, 2011
On our first date he was very shy. I was uncertain as well, I had never been on a first date. I think you are supposed to be somewhat reserved. I think you are only supposed to show the overly flirty, normal, impressive side of yourself. You are not supposed to talk about private issues. At least thats how other people seem to act on first dates. But, Im not "other people". Of course in certain situations I put on that sort of fake persona in which I talk about pleasant things, casual things and comment appropriately on all the dull things others say. Yet, when I was with Leo I began to reveal myself very quickly, not the vulnerable, sometimes troubled me but the real, silly, unusual me. Maybe its because he seemed open, maybe because I have an innate sense to be myself around people I want to trust. Maybe Its an unconscious sort of test, can you handle me as I am?? Our first date went well... We talk so much that food was neglected. It is also quite hard to eat when one is nervous. I can’t remember what we talked about but conversation flowed effortlessly. That is a big thing for me, I want to connect with someone intellectually and the best way to experience someones judgment, intellect and opinion is through conversation. Physical connection (although very important on my list) comes second to a compatibility of mind. He must have seen some of the same willingness to listen and accept in me, because he did something very unusual.
At the end of the night I was preoccupied by how the evening should end... how does a decent but pleased girl end a night with a boy she just met. I knew he would not kiss me of his own accord but I was sure the thought had been on his mind for the last few hours. So a few feet from my car I stopped him and pressed my lips against his. I was very shy at first, I hadn’t kissed for a long while and I was worried my mouth would forget the moves it had so skillfully mastered two years earlier. He certainly took advantage of my forwardness, kissing me back urgently. I got in my car and he didn’t give up, standing awkwardly over me with the car door open, I laughed and asked him to sit in the passengers seat. We ended up sitting there for two hours talking. This doesn’t happen often, not on the first date. He told me details of his life one would normally reserve for the fifth or sixth date. At the time I was sure he must be one of those people (like my happy-go-lucky, ADD step father) who can’t help but give their whole life story to everyone they meet even those they meet at the grocery store buying a king size bag of lemon hinted tortilla chips. It turns out he wasn’t that type, somehow my openness, my genuine attitude caused him to feel safe. Over and over as time went on he would reiterate that I made him comfortable, that without trying I pulled information out of him. Maybe some of it was my honest curiosity, I would continue to ask and listen intently to whatever he told me. That first night he confessions to me that he had bipolar disorder, that he had felt abused by his step father, that he had never had a real, healthy relationship with a women... It wasn’t what he said that made me so attracted it was the possibility for a relationship that included unqualified communication. Sure it was scary but I was also intrigued.
No comments:
Post a Comment