What worries you about him and this situation?

     Written August 18, 2011  

      I’m worried that he’ll become too attached to me. I worry about triggering him into some kind of roller coaster... into a manic-depressive cycle. A persons mind is incredibly private and a place where thoughts flow freely, uncontrollably at times and usually erratically. Being in someone else’s mind would probably be very disorienting, even scary. My thoughts are often unusual or haphazard but quite different from his. For me to see inside his mind would probably be frightening... What a person says out loud is usually much less then half of what they really think. Would you really want to know the thoughts of your partner, friend, family, lover..?? No, not all the thoughts, but I’d like to know the thoughts which truly effect him, the memories that made him who he is, that are important or profound to him. His mind or brain is compromised in a sense, thoughts are uncontrollable at times, and obsession with thoughts or actions is a frequent reaction. I worry about how alarming and dark his thoughts might get. I must be strong, and I want to be strong. I believe that a person's thoughts and actions are not bad as long as they are honestly doing their best to do what is right. Thoughts don’t make you who you are and although they reflect subconscious they do not necessarily reflect your honest desires and feelings. Negative and inappropriate thoughts don't make a person negative or inappropriate. It is a human desire to have secure privacy of our thoughts. How horrible it would be to have your thoughts on constant broadcast. Yet, it seems somehow, I draw raw honesty from him. He wants to share with me as much as he can... little bits at a time (thankfully).  It is scary because I fear I may react disgusted and even if I do not, it puts him in a seriously vulnerable position. I am worried I will react wrongly, too quickly, that I may react irrationally, in a way that makes him feel wrong for something he cannot control or that he cannot change. Thoughts in his mind become obsessive and out of his control. Manic episodes, even light ones cause very irrational behavior but it is hard for a handicapped mind to stop these behaviors. If I am to be a friend first, I want to support him in feeling accepted, in feeling good about himself, and in trusting others. He can do better in the future but he cannot change what has happened in the past, punishing him for something he did in the past will not help. I need to encourage him to try and do better (not what I think is better but what he thinks is better for him). I need this too. We all need that, yet he is coming into the relationship with much more hidden, with much more to expose and therefore much more to lose. I fear that he will take up a lot of energy and will power. I fear that he might try and use his disorder to manipulate me even if it is unconscious or impulsive. I fear that my desire not to hurt him will cause me to second guess myself or negate my own needs. Yet, I feel I can overcome all this and with honest communication between the two of us we can make it work. I want this to be a healthy relationship despite its obvious obstacles.