Sing That Funky Music!

It is easy to get in a funky mood and for me (and those with bipolar) it is easy to dwell on unfortunate events. I am not sure how positive this is but both me and my bipolar are both moody. In fact I am probably both moody but we are both sedative to negative outcomes. I am more of a get it all out at once, blow things out of proportion, stomp my feet kind of moody. He is more of the dwells on negative thoughts for days, pessimistic type. I started doing a lot of thinking about my moodiness. I hate feeling down yet once i'm in a funk it takes much coursing from my incredibly patient partner before I'm smiling again and kissing him all over. When I'm in a good mood I wonder why I can't just decide to stop being unhappy, it never feels good. I feel unhappy for little to know reason at times, just loneliness, doubt. I think it is better to feel good and positive then blue no matter the situation. The truth is, its just hard to leave those perilous, private pity parties *try say that then times!* 

I have heard and read many suggestions of how to bring yourself into a happier mood. In my opinion the first thing that is necessary is the awareness and desire to stop. This doesn't mean you can just stop at the blink of an eye,  just because you have a desire to stop, usually depression mutes that desire or weakens it. Food, sex, drinking, work, etc. aren't going to make you happy ultimately but usually lead to new addictions. I think each of us must find our own happiness tools but there are somethings proven to work for the majority of us. A tool that works great for me is music. Turning the music up on my computer or the radio as I drive helps a fair amount but the real key is singing a long. OHH.. you know what definitely helps, jumping in the shower, dancing around naked and singing like a rock star. Once I start singing along, (out of tune and off pitch) with a song, I can't help but feel silly and a little cheery. It doesn't matter that I mumble half the song because I only remember the chorus, it just works. Try it. Just try not to put on any heartbreaking, gloomy songs.
 Smiling, for no reason, just exercising your lip muscles and smiling at yourself in the mirror, is proven to stimulate jubilation. Giving to other is one of the official top five ways to increase true joy in life. Exercise  is also an enormous  aid when you're felling blue. I love to exercise, not because I love runny on a treadmill, all frizzy haired and sweaty, but because on those days I workout in the mornings 20X more energized and excited. I am also now on a mission to get my wonderful bipolar to stop eating so many java chip frappuccinos (sugar causes mood crashes) and start eating his veggies, exercise and most importantly start singing aloud.

Lets make this work!

There is still a lot for me to learn and experience in this relationship but I’ve gain a lot of insight from it so far. I’d love to know more about what others have experienced. It feels great to know your not alone in this, that many people have experienced some of the same stigma. What I would like to share is that being bipolar is not hopeless. It may take time and effort to be in a relationship with someone suffering form bipolar but it can be very worth it. Loved ones need to remember that we are not responsible for mood swings. We cannot always make them happy and it is not our job but we can be there to support them and I think thats enough. As long as those with the illness are responsible about taking with there doctor and taking medication, I think a relationship is very possible. I constantly tell my boyfriend that he can be loved and he deserves to be. He constantly tells me I am smart, beautiful and amazing.

Many people will disapprove and wont be understanding but that has to be okay too. Most of the time people who are not accepted are just afraid or worried. You cannot fight ignorance with anger but you can educate. I believe strongly that education is the answer to almost every problem. The less educated people are about anything the less compassionate, open or appropriate they will behave. Mental illness is not curable but it can be managed. I believe that as a lover you can be there for your someone without losing yourself. I love him and I feel that we both take care of each other, we provide stability for each other. I’m very young and any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

HOPE

Journal Written by Leo

Yesterday, I firmly believe that my relationship with Eve took a powerful turn for the better. A deeper, stronger connection was established. Indeed it was a night to remember.

i feel as if we all have those moments - an "epiphany" - might be the most apropos way to describe it. The conversation started harmlessly, discussing our futures, what her hopes and aspirations were. Then the conversation changed lenses, and focused on our relationship, and its future prospects.

The tatonic shift occurred because of a terse and condemning statement: "our relationship will probably end in 2 or 3 years" she said. Like the iconic image of a villain flicking his cigarette butt in the air - the slow glide it takes, landing so swiftly and gently into a pool of gasoline. All it takes is a spark - and the room erupts into a blazing fire.

She said those words so definitively, it's decisive blow like the stinging blade across the condemned neck. i had an immediate escape hatch i quickly engaged - start to withdraw Leo, shed your vulnerability and quickly retreat to a state of emotional paralysis and seek refuge behind its fortified walls.

No. No. i said to myself. i had invested so much into this relationship, I told this beautiful girl all of my most precious secrets that it felt wrong to initiate my escape hatch. i didn't put my heart and cherished emotions into this, to see it all collapse under the weight of a mere statement made.

I had to investigate, I had to determine whether her statement was as conclusive as it sounded. was she really serious? had she intended all along to cease the relationship so synchronous? if she did, then I would then reassess my position, and make a decision on whether to advance further. for emptying your heart, increasing the probability of pain and suffering would become challenging to permit given you know that it'll all come to a predetermined end. an outsider might conclude that the cost - the inevitable heartbreak and despair that would ensue - wouldn't be worth it. there is some truth in this theory, why increase the probability for pain to only see its self destruction? i couldn't help but feel used - a commodity - something to give pleasure when she needed it, then discard me like a used tampon when it best suited her.

I felt as if it was only right for me to give her another chance - a chance to appeal her early remark and re-establish a commitment to not condemn the relationship. the was the only way - the only way - that i could ever stop myself from the knee-jerk reactionary safety harness i'd invoke. fortunately for me, she revised her earlier statement - indeed she retracted it, and apologised for making such a comment.

I forgive her.

I figured it'd be best to write more about that memorable night after sometime to free myself from the persistent thoughts. I now feel comfortable enough to add to my journal.

I never imagine at the ripe age of twenty-three I'd fall in love with someone, nor did I genuinely believe that would ever happen - I hoped but never expected to.

Both of us have many personal ambitions to achieve. For me, it's medical school, for her it's the peace corps and traveling during the gap year (as well as school).

I thought intently and ruminated on this on several occasions. I think it is essential that neither of us relinquish our personal goals and dreams in order to have a relationship. Yet, although these are personal ambitions, must they be achieved separately?

I'm not at all convinced that it's an either-or choice. I believe it is possible to have independent goals and achieve them, while maintaining a successful and flourishing companionship, friendship and romance.

I dread the idea that I'd have to sacrifice such a glorious and precious relationship to accomplish my personal desires for my own life. I want both, and although we would be physically separated from each other, we would be bonded emotionally and spiritually - those two I defiantly believe can withstand innumerable miles physically detached. She is my best friend I wouldn’t resent her traveling or leaving my side.

I wouldn't tell a best friend that I'm severing the friendship because I wouldn't be able to touch you. I would be thrilled to talk to her via skype, listen for hours to her stories and the adventures she was experiencing. Anxiously awaiting her return to my arms and snuggling with me in my bed.

I wouldn't at all begrudge her for traveling and experiencing the world. Everyday, I'd check the postal mail and hope to see something from her. A post card from Italy, an olive branch from Spain, a hand furnished  figurine from south Africa. Whatever she sends me, would reaffirm that she is serious about this relationship, I would not be a fading memory, but rather, a vivid and tangible lover and friend. A companion she loves and on her personal journey, she sees things that remind her of the man she adores back home.

So in a sense, we would be on this journey together. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally - which can be an equally gratifying and potent trait.

I know that she doesn't intend on leaving me, she's just writing another chapter in her lifebook. She will return in due time, will have many stories to tell.

TRUST

What happens when you find yourself falling in love. Loving to the point of losing all rational and wanting to believe in fantasy. Do you go along with this. Do you let him sweep you off your feet or do you stay grounded? When He looks at you with deep blue eyes, when you feel his breath warming your cheek, making you want to let go of any reason. How do you tell him he is silly for believing in a love that last forever. Is he? I don't even know what love is let alone what  havoc it might reck. I try to tell him not to expect much but it's getting harder not to give in to his beautiful, romantic love for me.

What do you find promising and pleasing about the situation?

He trusts me. Becoming best friends with a person is hard, it entails almost unconditional acceptance (there is always a line), deep care, a meeting of minds, a compatibility, shared understanding, willingness to listen to the others needs and feelings, also a compassion, and a easiness, conversations that could be endless, a comfort that allows both to speak freely and tease often. And well... hmm.. How do I feel when I’m with him? Right from the beginning, before I knew most, if any of his secrets I felt comfortable speaking my mind. I am pretty confident, at least I try to give that perception, so I guess I usually speak somewhat open and easily, but... It was more then that. He made me feel like an equal.. no superiority, awkwardness, or lack of depth was there to distance me from him. I felt a trust right away. And he has continued to be unequivocally understanding and adoring. I feel almost as if I can do no wrong. Not to say that I am perfect and for him to pretend that I were, would show he was not acting as a friend but a cautious boyfriend or a passion-blind lover. Of course there should always be some caution even with friends, but best of friends must be honest about flaws as well as beauty. He constantly tells me how wonderful and beautiful I am, but he is also willing to share with me the things that bother him. Building a friendship takes years. Of course if we are building our relationship as friends as well as lovers, then it is still in the developing stage, two months old. He is cautious and so am I, but my desire to speak honest even about the ugly and the shocking confessions of unpleasant things is new to me, it is powerful, unexpected and sort of startling. I felt I wanted to speak about things even if I thought they might upset him. No matter what is brought up, understanding and smiles seem to follow soon after. One of my favorite moments I had with him (there are many) was after making love. I don’t remember what caused it to start but I began to laugh uncontrollably, this made him start up. My stomach was hurting and my eyes were tearing from laughing so hard but it felt wonderful, safe, happy, and perfect. The fact that laughing is okay at such an intimate moment made it feel so much more genuine. We are both very physically attracted to each other and that is greatly enhanced by the fact that we are becoming best friends. Friendship allows for a depth that romantic relationships many times cannot reach. A friendship can last a lifetime, whereas a majority of the time romantic relation or affairs are not strong enough to overcome obstacles, faults of either lover or merely time itself.   

What worries you about him and this situation?

     Written August 18, 2011  

      I’m worried that he’ll become too attached to me. I worry about triggering him into some kind of roller coaster... into a manic-depressive cycle. A persons mind is incredibly private and a place where thoughts flow freely, uncontrollably at times and usually erratically. Being in someone else’s mind would probably be very disorienting, even scary. My thoughts are often unusual or haphazard but quite different from his. For me to see inside his mind would probably be frightening... What a person says out loud is usually much less then half of what they really think. Would you really want to know the thoughts of your partner, friend, family, lover..?? No, not all the thoughts, but I’d like to know the thoughts which truly effect him, the memories that made him who he is, that are important or profound to him. His mind or brain is compromised in a sense, thoughts are uncontrollable at times, and obsession with thoughts or actions is a frequent reaction. I worry about how alarming and dark his thoughts might get. I must be strong, and I want to be strong. I believe that a person's thoughts and actions are not bad as long as they are honestly doing their best to do what is right. Thoughts don’t make you who you are and although they reflect subconscious they do not necessarily reflect your honest desires and feelings. Negative and inappropriate thoughts don't make a person negative or inappropriate. It is a human desire to have secure privacy of our thoughts. How horrible it would be to have your thoughts on constant broadcast. Yet, it seems somehow, I draw raw honesty from him. He wants to share with me as much as he can... little bits at a time (thankfully).  It is scary because I fear I may react disgusted and even if I do not, it puts him in a seriously vulnerable position. I am worried I will react wrongly, too quickly, that I may react irrationally, in a way that makes him feel wrong for something he cannot control or that he cannot change. Thoughts in his mind become obsessive and out of his control. Manic episodes, even light ones cause very irrational behavior but it is hard for a handicapped mind to stop these behaviors. If I am to be a friend first, I want to support him in feeling accepted, in feeling good about himself, and in trusting others. He can do better in the future but he cannot change what has happened in the past, punishing him for something he did in the past will not help. I need to encourage him to try and do better (not what I think is better but what he thinks is better for him). I need this too. We all need that, yet he is coming into the relationship with much more hidden, with much more to expose and therefore much more to lose. I fear that he will take up a lot of energy and will power. I fear that he might try and use his disorder to manipulate me even if it is unconscious or impulsive. I fear that my desire not to hurt him will cause me to second guess myself or negate my own needs. Yet, I feel I can overcome all this and with honest communication between the two of us we can make it work. I want this to be a healthy relationship despite its obvious obstacles.    

Tell me about your first dates and why you decided the relationship should get more serious?

written August 16, 2011

        On our first date he was very shy. I was uncertain as well, I had never been on a first date. I think you are supposed to be somewhat reserved. I think you are only supposed to show the overly flirty, normal, impressive side of yourself. You are not supposed to talk about private issues. At least thats how other people seem to act on first dates. But, Im not "other people". Of course in certain situations I put on that sort of fake persona in which I talk about pleasant things, casual things and comment appropriately on all the dull things others say. Yet, when I was with Leo I began to reveal myself very quickly, not the vulnerable, sometimes troubled me but the real, silly, unusual me. Maybe its because he seemed open, maybe because I have an innate sense to be myself around people I want to trust. Maybe Its an unconscious sort of test, can you handle me as I am?? Our first date went well... We talk so much that food was neglected. It is also quite hard to eat when one is nervous. I can’t remember what we talked about but conversation flowed effortlessly. That is a big thing for me, I want to connect with someone intellectually and the best way to experience someones judgment, intellect and opinion is through conversation. Physical connection (although very important on my list) comes second to a compatibility of mind. He must have seen some of the same willingness to listen and accept in me, because he did something very unusual. 

At the end of the night I was preoccupied by how the evening should end... how does a decent but pleased girl end a night with a boy she just met. I knew he would not kiss me of his own accord but I was sure the thought had been on his mind for the last few hours. So a few feet from my car I stopped him and pressed my lips against his. I was very shy at first, I hadn’t kissed for a long while and I was worried my mouth would forget the moves it had so skillfully mastered two years earlier. He certainly took advantage of my forwardness, kissing me back urgently. I got in my car and he didn’t give up, standing awkwardly over me with the car door open, I laughed and asked him to sit in the passengers seat. We ended up sitting there for two hours talking. This doesn’t happen often, not on the first date. He told me details of his life one would normally reserve for the fifth or sixth date. At the time I was sure he must be one of those people (like my happy-go-lucky, ADD step father) who can’t help but give their whole life story to everyone they meet even those they meet at the grocery store buying a king size bag of lemon hinted tortilla chips. It turns out he wasn’t that type, somehow my openness, my genuine attitude caused him to feel safe. Over and over as time went on he would reiterate that I made him comfortable, that without trying I pulled information out of him. Maybe some of it was my honest curiosity, I would continue to ask and listen intently to whatever he told me. That first night he confessions to me that he had bipolar disorder, that he had felt abused by his step father, that he had never had a real, healthy relationship with a women... It wasn’t what he said that made me so attracted it was the possibility for a relationship that included unqualified communication. Sure it was scary but I was also intrigued. 

Thoughts on relationships

written August 13, 2011

I think relationships are very important. In fact, the only thing beyond basic nourishment that humans have always required was relationship. Humans  cannot thrive without relationship and companionship. Relationship is also the most complicated thing in life, the most distractive and psychotic. Unhealthy relationships cause war, murder, blame, pain but I think the benefits of relationship is worth its disadvantages. Without experiencing a healthy, loving relationship most people would close down, become confused and obsessed with finding something that might resemble love, they would be emotionally immature and find it hard to see purpose in life. Nothing in this world would be possible if we people had not found purpose in creating a future for their children for their society. When it comes down we all live for each other, to make others proud, to help others, to impress others, to protect others.  

How does this relate to my relationship...? 

Well... I look at my relationships and they seem very healthy, loving and supportive. I am able to be strong and loving because I know what that looks like, and I never feared losing that. Recently a man randomly or maybe not so randomly came in to my life. Now that I look back at the first day we met, I realize that like an ice berg, we only see the very tip of a person when we first meet them, especially when they think they might have a chance at getting your number. When I saw this man walk into the room, I smiled to myself, that could possibly be the man I am looking for. I didn’t have any idea how much was under the surface at that point, all that he encompassed, all that came along with his overwhelmingly beautiful blue eyes. Most of us don’t really give it much thought but whenever we decide to date someone we are always taking on much more then we expect. For the first part of the relationship we may only be dating the surface of that person but as time passes the more of them we see. People are vast, emotionally we are in continual growth. It is as if each person is carrying around a metaphorical bag, and every person collects a new item from each experience and puts it in the bag, desires, dislikes, beliefs, doctrines, morals, fears, expectations and of course emotional and mental deficiencies are all hidden in our bags. I guess most people refer to this as a person's baggage. People often remark on a difficult person having a lot of baggage, but I think its important to realize that no matter the person, there is always baggage, unless they are unusually simple. Baggage or the things we collect do not necessarily have to be heavy or negative, in fact people can choose to pick up something positive even from painful experiences. This man with blue eyes, we can call him Leo seemed deceivingly... light. That first day I met him he smiled a lot, he laughed and confidently contributed to the group conversation. I liked his ability to debate pragmatically, he seemed smart, fair, and caring. Geeze... you really see so little at the first meeting. When it comes to meeting someone new in a casual circumstance all we really can do is judge the book's cover. It's really a miracle that people find true love at all, when most of us choose our mates based on circumstance, fame, financial position or at the very least; first impression/attractiveness. So how do people ever end up with intimate, deep and truly compatible relationships, when compatibility has nothing to do with any of those things? Much of life seems way to... coincidental. Leo asked me out for dinner, as I’d hoped he would. It was really the first time I’d ever been asked to dinner and actually wanted to say yes. I must have wanted him to be somewhat prepared for what was within the pages of my book so I looked at him and I said, “yes, I'll go to dinner with you, but I must warn you I am a very strange person.” At that point I had absolutely no idea just how strange this person standing in front of me was. He did not give me any clues as to how atypical his past was. After two years of not dating anyone I choose a man struggling with bipolar, anxiety, and ADHD. Albeit, I chose based on first impressions yet God only knows why that happened. Even so, The fact that I find myself loving him, loving being with him, touching him, listening to him, learning who he is, has me trusting the universe. If there is a God I have no doubt that he would be laughing and enjoying our ridiculous endeavors struggling through life but he seems to also offer a positive outcome for every unusual and unfortunate turn of events.  Most of the time we don’t know what our life would look like if a certain situation had or hadn’t happened. Leo needs someone who knows what a real relationship looks like, knows what it meant to love. Leo needs someone who could be strong and very open. I need someone who will see my value, trust me, who will be vulnerable with me and not be threatened by me taking a strong roll in the relationship.